I’m Pulling Punches
…When I should be punching through the goddamn bag.
The other day I turned 31. No major celebration. A few people wished me. Apart from that. It was another day. Maybe it’s true that you get more wisdom as you get older. Unless you get dementia and your soul is ripped out of your body. Where was I. Yeah. Being 31. As ever I was browsing through social media. And I was awash with a wave of regret. Some son of a bitch was getting married, some chick was having kids, some were travelling. Essentially winning at life.
Me. I was in a new country. Three months after finishing my degree. I was doing all the shit that my Professors. Career Counselors. Friends. Random guys on Social media. I did everything everybody suggested. Rewrote my resume. Probably a couple dozen times. Tailored every cover letter. Yet I shuddered when I wanted to click Submit. But I had to do it. There was no choice. Even with all the customization. Most emails stabbed like a white hot knife into my chest, while grinning “Thank you for applying.”
There were little oases. A call here. A maybe there. Bust mostly, it was like trudging. Through knee-deep sand. In an almost lifeless desert. Where there was neither wind nor compassion.
But I could not break. I couldn’t show the cracks.
To friends. To well wishers. I had to beam my nonchalance. That I was thriving. That life hasn’t gotten me by the balls.
I don’t like lying. To myself. Or to others. Makes me feel like a piece of shit.
Most days I look in the mirror. On the edge of defeat. But not quite there yet.
I wish this story had a happy ending. But it doesn’t. I’m still here. Still applying. Still bracing for rejection emails. And still continuing to write. Write like my life depends on it. Maybe it’ll change my life or maybe it’ll stay in another document like this. Lost to time. But there isn’t a damn thing that will change this.
This isn’t triumph. Not even close. It’s me swinging because I don’t know what else to do. Maybe the punches land. Maybe they miss wildly. I’m too tired to keep pulling. Too ambitious to stop and reassess.